Keep Moving Forward

Dream.  Believe.  Struggle.  Suffer.  They are all needed to appreciate the moment in which one finally achieves their goals.

I knew it wouldn't go easy and smooth, but I thought this process would happen quicker for me.

Had the journey been laid out before me and shown to me before I began down the road - would I have started?  I would like to say "yes", but the valleys were low and some moments were darker than I would have imagined, so I am uncertain what the decision would have been had the true picture been clear to me before the start...........but once I started on the path something inside me would not let me rest until I committed to put in my full effort to achieving my goal.

I really kinda stumbled into running in my later years (34), which is odd since my family has a long list of accomplished high school runners, and collegiate running success too.  When I was little my love of sport was basketball, and I played it non-stop.  I never considered wanting to try cross country in my youth.  I had no interest.  But in 2012 I starting dabbling in triathlons which lead to more running.....which just grew into a passion.

By 2017 I had run several marathons, but 2017 in Houston was the year I had planned I was going to qualify for Boston.  Every year I had dropped my marathon time; from 3:43 to 3:30 to 3:16.  So the next natural step in my mind was train better, harder and qualify.  Linear success.  Put in the work and watch it pay off.

2017 was a disaster.  It was an extremely hot and very humid January day for Houston (which usually has really good January running weather), and it was the worst marathon experience I have ever had.  By mile 8 I was done.  It was the one and only marathon I seriously considered taking a DNF.  Stepping off the course and calling it quits.  I still had 18 miles to go...........18.  Something inside me pushed me along to slog through those miles.  I had 2+ hours to think through how I had completely imploded and had failed.  And every mile, after mile, after mile I had a mile marker to remind me how far I was from my goal, how miserably I had failed, and how silly I was to think a non-runner could pick up running so late and try to qualify for Boston.

I still have that finishers shirt though, and still were it to this day during training to remind me how awful that experience was.  A reminder that there is no way it could get worse than that.  That shirt is now one of my prized possessions I'd never give up, as it reminds me how far I've come.

So it was back to the drawing board.  I love running.  I love waking up in the morning and greeting the sun as it rises to start a new day.  I love being active and accomplishing things before others wake up.  Running also gives me a place to unplug from the world and get lost in scenery and surroundings.  So how important was qualifying for Boston? No one was driving me to do it, not even I was fully bought in believing I could do it.  But something inside of me wanted it.  I wanted it for myself.  It's hard to explain, but it just sat there deep in my mind.........did I want to put the effort in, or should I just call the joy of loving to run good enough.

I was back for another real run at Boston in Houston at the 2019 marathon in January..............except in late 2018 Boston changed their qualifying standards for my age group from 3:15 to 3:10.  But I had trained really well, not been injured and decided to try and run sub 3:10, even though I was more trained for breaking 3:15.  Well..............I ran 3:11 and some change.  A PR, but just short of a qualifying time.  I was heart broken.  Couldn't believe I'd trained so hard to have the rules changes 3 months before my race, and come up just short.  It wasn't just me though.  I am sure there are thousands of runners with a story similar to mine.  Just unfortunate timing.

I kept running marathons, but really thought that was my best chance.  Training post 2019 never seemed to come together, fitness was lacking, injured quite a bit, and just didn't feel Boston was in the cards.

2020 and 2021 I kept running and even marathons too, but I stopped talking about Boston.  Stopped sharing my dream with others.  Was afraid my better marathon days were behind me and that I'd always be just a bit too slow to qualify.  I started to try and convince myself it didn't matter.  It was just something that mattered to me, and was trying to convince myself it really had no value outside of my own mind...........just let it go and enjoy running.

I had qualified for the 2020 Chicago marathon, but deferred it to 2022 due to COVID and other reasons.  Well 2022 was here.  I knew Chicago was fast and flat.  I knew it would be for the 2024 Boston running, and my age would put the cutoff at 3:20.  Could I run that? I had run sub 3:20 5 times before, but I was older and just not in the same shape and fitness.  But the deep nagging thought of leaving something unfinished if I didn't try one last time just keep nagging at me.  So I committed to getting ready for Chicago in Oct 2022.

So I started to focus my training, started layering speed work back in, and even started adding some longer mountain runs and races in MT, WY, UT and ND to the training calendar.  I believe those high altitude grueling trails helped condition my mind for the smoother roads too.  October came and it was off to Chicago.  Was I really doing this again?  Was I really going to try and qualify for Boston? I really didn't tell many people about Chicago because of the possibility of failure that could be waiting for me just like every year prior to this.  My oldest daughter came with me last second to celebrate her 16th birthday on the Saturday before race day.  It was awesome to spend some time with her, celebrate with her, and take in the Windy City together on her birthday weekend.

My training motto for the 3 months leading up to Chicago was "Quiet the Noise."  Stop letting negative thoughts in, stop believing you can't, stop believing the voice speaking doubt into your mind.  Shut it out...........Quiet the Noise!

Race day morning came.  Woke up early and headed to bag drop and corral assignments.  As I anxiously awaited the start, the thoughts came back.........you've been at this for 5 years now how will this be different?  You'll break down at 18/20, why do this?  Just enjoy the city, the crowd, the runners, the atmosphere...........don't get your hopes up.  You've been here before many times, and you already know the outcome.........just a little too slow, just a little not good enough, just not in the cards.

I had committed to running a consistent race.  One pace the whole time.  No "banking" time (when you run a little faster the first half to try and prepare for running slower the second half).  I had tried "banking" time in previous marathons and sure enough fell apart at the end.  I am convinced the energy and effort put in to "banking" minutes in the first half is exactly why runners fall apart in the second half.  But............if you are not going to try and "bank" time you have better be committed to and confident that you can run whatever goal pace you have planned on, because if you fade then there is zero chance of meeting your goal time.  I was bought in though.  No "bank".  Run consistent and believe in your training.

The first half I ran in 1:39.48.  12 seconds ahead of my goal. I felt great though. I just kept thinking, "run relaxed, don't press, don't rush, don't panic."  Mile 18 came and went, Mile 20 came and went.  Mile 21 I felt my left hamstring getting tired, but it was not sore and I only had 5 miles left.........stay committed to the plan. Started falling off pace miles 23 and 24, but not too bad. In a marathon you are gauging how tired you are and what you really have left at the end...........don't want to press hard to the finish too soon, but don't want to fall off pace due to stiffness, cramps, and tightness either.  When do you press? When is too soon?  When is too late?  Well at mile 25 I sold out.  I was all in.  I knew I was close.  I was a mile out and so very close to a qualifying time.  I figured as long as nothing snapped, detached, or broke then I was running through the pain. I was too close to try and run to preserve; I had to push.  The thoughts of possibly achieving my goal and dream started to flood my mind.  Was I about to do it, or was I going to be seconds short again........I knew from my race plan that 3:20 was about what I had for my training, so it was going to be close.  Made the last left turn on the Chicago course and had about 150M to 200M left, and just ran as hard as I could.  Ran the second half in 1:39.56.  Not a PR, but a Boston qualifying time.  The emotion at the end was something I was not ready for.  Years of training, races, heartbreaks, failures, disappointments, and internal struggle all flooded into my mind.  I had done it.  I broke through the barrier I didn't think I could get through.  And what a moment to be able to do it at Chicago.

So I'll end with this.  No matter what your own internal personal goal may be.  Wether it be cooking, photography, athletic achievements, building cars, painting, drawing, crafting or any other thing that somehow, someway has value to you that others may not fully understand or appreciate..........don't give up on them.  The road will not be linear.  There will be challenges, setbacks, failures, and some point in which you may ask yourself does it really matter to anyone but me?  Probably not.  But it matters to you, so do it.  Just move forward a little everyday and believe in your process, no matter how trying it may get at times.

Have the discipline to be consistent and show up every single day.

"Both love and pain have a place in our hearts, so don't curse out the Light while you learn from the dark." - Benjamin William Hastings "Feels like a Blessing"

I've been blessed to have loving (and understanding) family and friends throughout this process, and loved having them with me through the journey.  To Boston we go to run with the patriots on Patriot's Day.

"May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be at your back"...............may you put the work in and achieve the goals and dreams that lay deep inside you.